No touch, no talk, no eye contact

Seems like a simple, clear, and easy-to-follow directive, right?

Here in this group of forty or so enthusiastic people whose lives and loves revolve around dogs, there is a hum of excitement, and, like the canines we love, everybody is sniffing noses and making friends all around.

As I check into the hotel this afternoon, just after 1 pm, a woman walks around the corner and sees that I have Sunny and Sonja with me.  She asks if I am with the Cesar Millan group.  I answer that I am.  "So am I," she adds, and instantly we are introducing ourselves, she is meeting the dogs, and they are getting a bit over-excited.  So much for no touch and no talk.  It isn't her fault, we're both happy enough to meet that we--that I--relax the requirements I normally have for my dogs on meeting a new person.

Robin, as I now know her, had just flown in from Colorado.  We have several hours to wait for our first meeting of the Fundamentals class to begin, and we cross paths in the hotel several times, each time enthusiastically gathering and sharing bits of info to get to know each other.  She and her husband are preparing to launch into a large endeavor of opening a Dogtopia franchise, and they are doing all that they can to educate themselves on behavioral philosophies and other things.

At 5 in the evening, I stroll down to the meeting room where the event was supposed to kick off, and find one other person waiting outside.  I ask if she is waiting for the Cesar group and she is, and we chat.  She is Hillary.  She lives in Boston.  I like Hillary immediately.  She is simply open and transparent-seeming in a way that appeals to me.  We talk about our aspirations and why we were drawn here, and about ten minutes later, a hotel employee tells us the time was supposed to be 6 pm, and we have some time to kill, so we stroll back to the bar, where complimentary happy hour is about to start.

At the bar, all but one person is there waiting for the Fundamentals class to kick off, and we all introduce ourselves.  I love this group already!  William, to my right, has arrived from the Netherlands.  He and his girlfriend operate a dog-walking and day care business, and they also serve as foster-care providers for dogs rescued from Spain.  His girlfriend attended Cesar's class some years ago, and William is now getting the Fundamentals under his belt.

As we all enjoy connecting and hearing about each others "big why" -- our motivation for coming here-- Robin shares with us how somebody in her circle responded with unsolicited criticism when she shared that she was coming here.  Several others comment that they also experienced that, too.  I am among those people.

None of us can understand the motivation of the various people who offered unsolicited--and often rather harsh--criticism of the person we here in this knot of people consider an inspiration, at least, and, for some of us, a sort of a personal hero.  Uniformly, we asserted that the criticism did not sway us from what we feel we know, or believe, nor did it cause us not to attend this session.  And, none of us can ascertain that the people who offered harsh words of judgment actually had any legitimate, first hand knowledge of Cesar Millan, and who he is now, and how he trains and practices.

For me, the two people who made the harshest comments are in the animal business themselves.  One operates a local dog rescue near my home, and the comment was in response to my sharing where I'd be this week which caused me to be unable to help them build a much-needed shelter for additional rescue dogs.  They were in the process of asking for my help, and they literally offered unsolicited comments about Cesar's methods (not sure they *know* what his methods are) and then they sent me a link of a critical video of a training video with Cesar in it that was "mocked up" by some anonymous person with stop-action commentary on all the tings Cesar is doing "wrong" in the video.  I could literally hear where the sound affects had been added.

The other person who really went out of his way to point out that he doesn't believe in Cesar's principles is a family member who is in the business of training and handling exotic animals for the entertainment industry.  I know his life has been punctuated by periods of having to fight uphill battles, defending himself against animal rights groups who have lodged accusations and claimed he has done things that he himself knows he has not.  While he is not at the celebrity status of Cesar Millan, this person is still a personality who's been in the limelight and owns a certain status as a celebrity in many circles.  He is somebody who has, no doubt, had to fight his way through forests of nay-sayers and has, most certainly, realized certain costs in his own personal life because of the pain and challenge of being in the spotlight.  And, I thought, "here he is, doing the same thing to a fellow practitioner."

I thought about all of this as I listened to several others' stories about the comments they had received from friends, family, or other connections.  I didn't share in depth, but thought to myself that it was an odd type of competitiveness that some people have in themselves that overrode their ability to just recognize that my enthusiasm for Cesar Millan was never an opportunity that they lost out on.  While he inspires me, they have yet to show my why they could, or why they might.  And, they seem a little bitter for it. 

William, my new friend, offered this, and it felt perfect.  He said, "in the Netherlands, we have a saying; I hope it translates to English."  He continued, "Tall trees catch more winds."

With that, I simply closed my mouth.  It was all that I had felt about all of the comments, perfectly summed.  Nothing more needed to be said.  That is precisely what it is about.

Our evening--all of us, I feel certain--was as wonderful an opening as any event's could be.  We had dinner in groups of eight, each table with a trainer that will be our group trainer through the week's training, and of course, with Cesar leading the pack.  First rule for the group, which includes ten dogs attending with their owners, "No touch, no talk, no eye contact."  In other words, keep everybody safe.  Follow the rules of a savvy pack.  Ultimately, there will be nearly as many dogs as there are people.  For me, I think, "that's the Auburn dog park on any good summer evening."  The difference, however, is that here, the people handling the dogs will be evolving skills of safe and calm dog interaction.  I simply can not wait.



*Post copied from the personal blog of Nico Holmes, dated May 22, 2019

Resources for end-of-life planning for your pet

If your pet is nearing the end of its life and you are not sure how to navigate the questions and choices that you might face, please feel free to utilize the following list of resources.

For sudden emergencies

For large medical emergencies, or when your vet can not diagnose your pet's medical issues on the first visit, we highly recommend UC Davis Veterinary Medical Teaching Hospital.  They have all the technology and specialists under one roof, and can handle any animal, large or small.

UCD VMTH Small Animal Clinic - 24 hour line -  (530) 752-1393

UCD VMTH Large Animal Clinic - 24 hour line - (5300 752-0290

UCD can diagnose issues more quickly and accurately, and generally has more vets looking at your pet than a local or regional vet or specialty vet.  Often times they are less expensive or only as much as a regular outside specialist "corporate" vet.  You may very well find it is worth the extra drive.

NOTE: for rattle snake bites, when time may be of the essence, especially for a smaller animal, it is probably best to quickly call local vets near you FIRST before deciding where to take your pet.  It will be important to know that the vet you go to have the antivenin IN HOUSE in case your pet needs this.  Thus, driving time may not be in your favor in such an instance.

Deciding on cremation for your pet

If you are saying good bye to your pet, you may wish to have her cremated, or you might even have questions about this and feel unsure.

There are local services who will cremate your pet in either a private cremation or a communal cremation.  A private cremation assures that your pet's ashes are returned to you, and that the ashes you receive are, in fact, your pet's ashes.  A few companies that do this even ensure that you are able to verify this in person, if you wish, and do include a stainless steel identification tag that stays with your pet's remains before and after cremation, and is returned to you with your pet's ashes.

Communal cremation is performed with multiple pets' remains together and as such, there is not the possibility of the ashes being returned to you.  Companies that do offer this service will let you know where the ashes will be scattered.

In either instance, there is a wide range of customer service levels, and differing levels of sensitivity to your recent loss and concern for your pet's remains.  We have utilized several local services in the Sacramento region over the past ten years for both dogs and horses, and we find that the best and most customer-sensitive of any locally is Treasured Pets, in North Sacramento.

Treasured Pets

Office@TreasuredPets.net

(916)-348-4000 (office)

(916)-335-5190 (mobile)

website: www.TreasuredPets.net

Some services that Treasured Pets offers--above that of some of the other companies offering cremation--are an open-door policy so that you can see that all od the services you are discussing with them are performed as promised.  Additionally, they can do paw prints of your pet prior to cremation so you have a memory to place where you wish.  They even offer funeral service options and in-person cremation so you can be with your pet leading up to the actual cremation process, if that is your wish.

There are others in the region, and one additional one in Sacramento, called Koefran.  We have used Koefran as a "no other option" experience more than one time, and were not confident that the cremation was private.  We also were not comfortable with the customer experience there after having just experienced the loss of a beloved companion.

There is a small animal service in Wheatland, CA known as Heaven's Gate, which seems to just be getting started, and was a bit rough around the edges, (but otherwise ok) this past January when my mother's dog passed.  Nonetheless, Treasured Pets remains the top in our opinion for both experience and range of services.  And, they are comparably priced.

Also, the last option vets offer is to have your pet's remains disposed of themselves.  This will be a smaller cost, and, it will involve rendering.  Please see our separate post about rendering and why we are staunch advocates against rendering euthanized animals when possible.

Resources for the grieving process of pet loss

Losing an animal companion can be emotionally devastating.  Our animals are often our only source of unconditional love, and can even add to our own sense of identity.  They most certainly contribute to our well-being.  And yet, the petless humans of the world can be tragically unaware of our pain and even unable to comfort us or empathize.  Blessedly, there are resources for those of us grieving the loss of an animal companion.  Below are some links to resources and supportive writings and commentary for those experiencing grief.

From the Treasured Pets web site:

http://treasuredpets.net/grieving-the-loss-of-a-pet.html

http://treasuredpets.net/coping-with-pet-loss.html

From the American Veterinary Medical Association web site:

https://www.avma.org/resources-tools/pet-owners/petcare/coping-loss-pet

From the Psychology Today website:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/animal-attachment/201702/7-self-care-essentials-while-grieving-the-death-pet

Most of all, once your pet has departed, make time to allow your grief.  Honor the memories you cherish with the pet, in whatever way feels most appropriate to you.  Keep your routines, especially with any remaining pets in your home and your life.  And, reach out for support if needed.  You did an amazing thing.  You cared for, and loved, and stayed with your precious companion all the days of her life.  That was a great gift; a gift of your heart and your love.

Saying goodbye

We said our last, cooing, words of love to our tiniest doggo this past Monday evening.  AJ, the little dog who came with my husband when he and I met, created a life together, and married, has crossed the rainbow bridge.  When we met, there were three dogs; my little Joy, who was 10 years old at the time; Dusty, his 4-year old dog; and AJ; who was only about a year old at that time.  AJ was the last of the three that were part of the family pack we created when we met and became a family.  She was 15.  I feel so fortunate that we have a pack here at home that we came home to after saying our goodbyes to AJ.  If we hadn't, the house would have felt so much more sad and empty.

Saying goodbye to our best friend; the creature that has loved us unconditionally for years, is devastating.  There is no sugar-coating this fact.  When we lose a family member, often we can put our grief in a place that makes sense and feels like a "right place" for that grief.  Yet, losing a devoted animal companion, large or small, can seem like the greatest pain the universe could smite us with.

I've loved so many animals in my own life; horses, dogs, and some cats, rats, a mouse, and a few others.  I feel I owe it to the animals to be there for their care for the remainder of their natural lives once I've committed to their care.  I never really considered my choice on that, but it's essentially the commitment a good rescue organization makes for the animals they take under their care.

Throughout my life, I've worked with animals.  Even as a teenager, I was a volunteer at our local animal shelter for about a year or so.  I was faced with the reality of euthanasia at that age.  Yes, I had had pet rats that had developed cancer and eventually had to be "put to sleep." but at the more tender age I resided when those events occurred, I think I was insulated from the reality by my parents.

Now, in my 50's, I have loved and lost a number of animals.  Along the way, I have learned something else about myself: I am an empath, and a very sensitive one, in regards to the pain others feel at my hands, or the hands of another.

I have found that I have been called upon to help in times when others are struggling with this time in the life of their pets.  Perhaps they are just unable to know how or what to do for the pet, or how to make the choices that they are faced with.  What I know is this: this is hard for us, but very often, it is harder and more scary for your sweet pet.  And in that moment when they need us more than they ever have, and more than they ever will again, it is so very important to be there for that precious companion who has spent their life devoted to loving us.

The quote on the top of the blog says, “Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of their universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made.”  (Roger A. Caras)  Any of us who are at the end of our dog's life with them know just how accurate that quote is.  There is little we can ever do to give our dogs all that they give us.  I have made my own peace with that; I know that my dogs will always be better people than me, and I have made my own pact to try to learn from each of them, and do better by each of them.  

This blog, and the behavior consulting I do, is a way of  "paying it forward" in honor of the dogs who have shared their lives with me, and taught me where my shortcomings lie.  That is, after all, what they do.  Having a dog in your life will clearly and unflinchingly show you how you could be better.  Our dogs do not know that their relationships with us will have that result.  They are both unapologetically able to see us for what we are, and, non-judgmental and willing to love us unconditionally.  We never had a better therapist than our dog.

And, so, I say, if it's time to say farewell, then I beg you to do two things; one of them will be for your dog, and one of them will be for yourself.

First, and above all else, don't leave your dog alone or in the hands of a stranger to be ushered into death by that stranger.  That is an unfair failing of all that we owe our dogs, on the highest order.  And, I get it.  If this is simply not possible, and I do mean, you've considered every option, then choose somebody your dog knows and trusts.  Not somebody your dog knows and has had difficulties with (like your neighbor who constantly sprayed the dog with a hose to get him to get out of their yard), but actually somebody who cares about your dog.  If neither of these options are at all possible, then look to a person who is a dog lover; an empath, and a loving source of gentle energy, who is willing to do this with your dog.  It will be the most important gift of kindness you will ever give, to have a "safe person" softly reassuring your dog as they leave this life.

Second, once you have said farewell to your beloved pet, please, remember, do not second guess yourself.  Do not ask yourself if you did the right thing at the right time.  Please, for your own sanity, accept the choice you made as a gift to your pet to help ease their pain.  We adopt our dogs and other creatures knowing that we will love them all of their lives, but, unless they are a tortoise or a parrot, we will be the ones who will need to help them through their last moments of life.  

I have found that, for every creature I have stood next to and calmed; telling them how much I loved our life together; how beautiful they are; how loved they are; that I have a memory that is almost photographic.  (I am blessed/cursed with that trait anyway).  When I sit in a vet's office with a dog, waiting for that last breath, I am engulfed in the memories of all other animals who I have helped through that last moment.  It is not an easy thing to carry those memories, but we humans make that commitment when we bring a litter of puppies or kittens into this world.  We make that commitment when we breed a horse, or a greyhound, or any other animal whose life we are responsible for.

What I want to say at the end of all of this is, if you are like me and many others, you will never forget.  You might even describe the memories that surge back into your brain at unexpected times as "PTSD."  I think I have recently realized that is what it is, of a kind.  Nonetheless, it is something I knew when I adopted each and every dog; when I bought each and every horse; when I rescued the mouse.  I knew that I was committing to being there for that animal for its life.  And, to be there for its end of life, too.  That amount of "PTSD," I have negotiated with myself, I can live with.  For there is simply nothing more pure and perfect than being loved by a dog.  I will do it all over again, endlessly, until I, myself, am at the end.

If you are in need of resources for end-of-life planning for your pet, click the highlighted text to view our post on this-- this post can provide resources in the Northern California region.